I can’t believe it has taken me nearly two years to write this column, and as I sit here slowly shaking my head, I am actually wondering if I should. Then again, I often wonder if I should do the things I do and still go ahead, so why should this time be any different?

Today we are going to talk about language, more specifically — and remember that word, specifically — the words I hear most often that are used incorrectly or are not words at all. And you should know, not that it should be a surprise to you, but as a writer this a pet peeve of mine.

The other one is someone eating food from my plate — and there are days I am convinced if I do not correct whoever it is I will suffer some sort of breakdown straight out of a 1980’s horror movie.

Let’s begin with the word nauseous.

So often when someone is feeling ill to their stomach they will say they feel nauseous. No, that isn’t right. The word is nauseated. When something is nauseous it actually MAKES you feel sick. So in essence, the next time someone says they feel nauseous, don’t laugh when you realize they are actually they make people sick, like a toxic cloud from the tailpipe of your car.

That one really gets me, but I have learned over the years to let it go. It seems people get offended when you say something along the lines of, “Really? So you make other people sick to their stomachs?” Not a good idea.

Or, here’s another anti-favorite of mine: that’s when someone wants to discuss something specifically and instead says something along the lines of “pacifically.” This one almost causes my head to spin around and explode.

“Well, what do you mean? And I’m being pacific.” Does that mean if I answer in general terms I am being Atlantic? Yes, I can actually laugh about this now instead of falling into some sort of OCD fit, but there was a time, not so long ago, when I wouldn’t have been able to restrain myself from making a comment of some sort.

Then there’s the use of the Oxford comma, which apparently is being phased out. WHAT???? How is anyone supposed to read if there isn’t some sort of comma for emphasis or to let the reader know what is actually being discussed? Here’s an example with commas. Pay close attention because it is going to look as if I pulled some slight of hand here.

With commas: “Hey, let’s eat, Grandma!”

Without commas: “Hey let’s eat Grandma!”

Do you see what happened there? Yeah, without the commas you become a cannibal, and a cannibal of the worst order, eating your grandparents that way. Now does anyone see the relevance of even such a small thing as a comma? Without it the world will denigrate into anarchy and kick off the zombie apocalypse my oldest son is so joyously anticipating.

And that word denigrate — that’s just one example of the words I enjoy using not only in print but literally in everyday conversation. No kidding. Words like ubiquitously, anomalistic, conviviality, excogitate, parsimonious, perfidiousness, and usufruct all make it into conversations regularly.

I know, it’s odd someone still chases words for daily use because they think it brings color and depth to speech and knowledge, because the ability to express oneself is one of if not the greatest gift man received. And yes, I put those in alphabetical order for you took them up. You’re welcome.

But none of this is odd to someone who is a sesquipedalian and takes pleasure out of stumping his editor or fooling even spellcheck or autocorrect. Yep, you’re going to have to look that one up, but in the meantime, since fall is upon us, I think I’ll head to the local “liberry” and check out a few books on “foilage” for some light reading.

On a side note, spellcheck on my program for work lit them all up as being wrong and having no suggestions. Yippee! My work here is done.

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Moody Swings

D. C. Moody

D. C. Moody is a staff writer for The Easley Progress, The Pickens Sentinel and Powdersville Post and can be reached at dmoody@civitasmedia.com. Views expressed in this column are those of the writer only and do not represent the newspaper’s opinion.