Editor’s note: Readers are encouraged to place their tongues firmly in their cheeks while reading this. Or at least make sure you have a towel handy — the sarcasm literally drips off the page, but all to demonstrate how some decisions are just plain bone-headed.

National wildlife refuges in Alaska are about to get a lot more fun.

Thanks to a recent bill passed by the U.S. Senate I will finally get to fulfill my lifelong dream of mowing down a family of hibernating bears in their dens with a hail of bullets — just as soon as President Trump signs it into law with those big, manly hands of his.

I can’t wait, I’m polishing my rifle and booking my flight right now.

In response to the bill, Wayne Pacelle, president and CEO of The Humane Society of the United States, said what the Senate did “should outrage the conscience of every animal lover in America.”

“The passage of this bill means that we’ll see wolf families killed at their dens, bears chased down by planes or suffering for hours in barbaric steel-jawed traps or snares,” Pacelle said.

Hippie.

Everyone knows bears and wolves are dangerous predators, godless killing machines that will eat your face off at the earliest opportunity. Why should they be safe from hunters in so called “wildlife refuges?”

They shouldn’t.

And snare traps? They’re hardly “inhumane” — how else am I going to get that wolf cub to remain still enough for me to finish it off? They’re fast. I only hope it doesn’t chew off its own paw to escape before I can get there — I’m counting on the pelt to finish my new coat.

It’s true I could hire a pilot to take me up in a two-man-plane to snipe a grizzly or wolf from the safety of the cockpit, but truth be told, I tend to get airsick — giving the animals an unfair advantage.

My only serious problem with this bill is it only affects the state of Alaska — why not completely deregulate hunting on a national level? I mean, who is the government to tell me how I can and can’t feed my family?

Why can’t I fish by tossing a stick of dynamite over the side of my boat in Lake Jocassee? I mean, I’ll watch out for SCUBA divers and stuff — I’m not an idiot.

That elk that kept showing up in Pickens County a few months ago — why wasn’t he shot? Elk meat is delicious! Who cares if he was the first in a century to be spotted?

You know who? It’s these stupid animal rights activists. Now that elk will live out the remainder of his days at some zoo instead of fulfilling a true purpose — like being the key ingredient in the best pot of chili ever.

People have rights too. Everyone knows we were put here by God to have dominion over all other creatures and if that means shooting a mama black bear in front of her cubs — so be it.

This isn’t the first time bleeding heart environmental agencies have tried messing with the natural order of things. When wolves were reintroduced in Wyoming — it was nothing short of a disaster.

Packs have grown to the point that cattle farmers report they are now losing as many as two — two — cows a year! Outrageous!

And as if eating the cows wasn’t enough, these voracious animals have the audacity to eat the elk too — making life that more difficult for the hunters in the area who will now have to drive to a grocery store — just to be able to feed their families.

I tell you, something must be done.

https://www.theeasleyprogress.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/web1_044-5.jpg

Strickly Speaking

Kasie Strickland

Kasie Strickland is a staff writer for The Sentinel-Progress and can be reached at kstrickland@civitasmedia.com. Views expressed in this column are those of the writer only and do not necessarily represent the newspaper’s opinion.